So I’ve been a bit depressed lately.
I couldn’t really tell you why. I honestly don’t think I have the “right” to be depressed. My life is going so amazingly well that I can’t think of any reasons why I should complain about anything, ever. My health is good, I’m very happily married, we have the most amazing baby and I love her more than anything.
I think what’s probably bothering me has to do with my habitual overcaffination, and that comes from the part of my life that maybe isn’t going as well.
As you may or may not know, I’m pretty much a total financial failure. It’s been getting better, but I’m by far the poorest person in my family, on either side, going back several generations. Part of it is because I’m lazy, and part of it is because I’m undisciplined, and part of it is because I spend too much time on the internet, and part of it is because I spend practically every waking moment writing or drawing stories.
The internet distracts me and diffuses my energies. But you’re reading this on the internet right now, so I can’t help noticing it’s a brilliant amplifier for what I do manage to produce. I’ve been on the internet practically all day every day for twenty+ years, the entire history of the internet more or less. I’m one of the millions who helped make this mess. Does it mean that I’ve spent my life indoors, in computer labs or hunched over tablets in coffee shops? Why yes, it certainly means that.
Does that mean I’ve wasted my life? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, because I’m pretty sure the internet is important. But I’m not 100% sure.
It definitely means that I am getting pale and lacking in exercise. Probably just like you.
I’m not as successful as I want to be. My work doesn’t reach as far as I want it to work. I don’t earn enough from it. People do not have enough faith in me or my work to offer me the sort of opportunities that I so desperately long for.
This has nothing to do with my marriage or child. I’m as lucky as any man can be, and I know it. But I am still a man, and I need to succeed both inside and outside the home.
My daughter is the light of my life, but, even though she is very small, she has her own life to lead. I’m in charge of my own.
So I want my work to do better, but sometimes, lately, man. It’s hard to believe that it still could. I don’t seem to have any problems making the stuff, that’s second nature at this point. But promoting it, believing things could change; that’s the tough part.
Fortunately I’ve been at this long enough that I can go through the motions with some success. Go out and sell ads every Wednesday, every once in a while one will sell. Go to all the conventions that I can. Be nice to everybody. Buy ads.
It’s come to the point where I want people to read my comics and I’m willing to pay them to do it. I’m so willing that I’m willing to go out and earn money to pay them.
That’s a problem, because right now my family and I need money. But I can see clearly that the need will just get worse and worse for the next seventeen years, so now is the time to think long term. I swear to you that if I can ever get this comic to the point where a couple thousand people glance at it a day then things might get rolling. Start getting invited to conventions, start getting decent commissions.
So either this is what’s bothering me, or my constant caffeine abuse as I try to remedy this. I’m not sure. I’ll just keep working and it’ll all be okay somehow I think.