Merle on the Rooftop: A Short Monologue to Explain Why I Don’t Watch The Walking Deadon March 20, 2012 at 1914
Merle: Man, it sure is rough being handcuffed to a roof in a town full of zombies. Maybe if I hadn’t been such a crazy racist I wouldn’t be stuck here. On the other hand, bad luck had a lot to do with it. I guess you could say it was nature AND nurture.
Merle: Those zombies sure are scary, and if they could get through that fire door I bet they’d eat me up in a trice. Well, better get to escaping.
(through complicated maneuverings drags hacksaw across roof to self with belt).
Merle: what to do…what to do. Well, guess there’s nothing to it but to cut my arm off.
(sticks tongue out, screws out eyes, prepares to cut).
Merle: Wait! I almost forgot the most important part! The tourniquet.
(takes shirt off, wraps it around arm, ties off. Arm immediately turns bright red)
Merle: Legendary badassery here I come! Think I’ll start with the back of my wrist, save the veins and tendons for dessert.
(begins to saw through skin. Hacksaw quickly clots with bits of flesh)
Merle: Wow, this hacksaw doesn’t work very well. It’s almost like it’s designed to cut through metal instead of flesh. Of course, it’s so dull that it won’t cut through metal (obviously, or I wouldn’t be sawing my own arm off) but how is it therefore sharp enough to cut through flesh and bone? Oh well I will just have to saw harder.
(cuts through the outer layer of epidermis, begins to peel fascia away from inner sheathing of muscle and bone. Fingers begin to jerk uncontrollably as the tendons are slowly abraded away).
Merle: My goodness, that smarts! Good thing I have lots and lots of time while those zombies:
Merle: those zombies over there repeatedly try and fail to get through a locked door. You know, I’ve been out here so long, sawing on my own arm in the hot Atlanta sun, monologuing, I guess it wasn’t really that important to escape quickly. Those guys could have hung around for a while and really helped me not be handcuffed to a roof as much. Then I wouldn’t have to saw my own arm off. This is definitely their fault, by the way. Every time I sever another tendon
(there is a plonk!ing sound as one of his tendons breaks)
Merle: after I recover from feeling dizzy and lightheaded from losing all this blood and pain and stuff I am just so ANGRY at them. This is definitely all their fault. Oh well, I’ll just swear epic revenge. From now on where I look at the awesome empty space where my hand used to be I will only see my own bad ass, revenging myself on them. When they least expect it, too. Maybe season three?
(saws some more, gets to the bone, starts slowly grating through. Blade slips repeatedly).
Merle: This was easier before the blade got wet. Looks like there are still some dry parts on either end of the blade, guess I’ll use those for a while.
(comically saws too close to the handle, then too far away)
Merle: Oh if only I had had proper father figures in my childhood then perhaps I would not use a saw like such an idiot. Hey…you know what I just noticed? The links on the handcuff chains are made out of metal just like the handcuffs, but it is a lot thinner metal than the handcuffs! Well anyway what does that have to do with me.
(he gets halfway through the ulna. The blade gets stuck)
Merle: Oh man this is TENSE.
Merle: Better hurry! (saws) There we go!
(the ulna pops in half)
Merle: That’s pretty good, but it’s not good enough!
(he starts sawing on the radius. His hand randomly jerks and flops around)
Merle: Hey, you know what I just thought of? I bet I could have just cut my thumb off or maybe just a finger or two and slipped the cuff out that way. Less effort, too. (pause) But ya know, walking around missing fingers? That just looks stupid.
Zombies: (looking at each other) BRAIINN….????
(disappointed, the zombies leave. Merle whistles as he saws his arm off).